It's a gloomy Saturday evening and I am overcome with a lack of inspiration to do much of anything. The truth of the matter is I am feeling kind of stunted. Already feeling sensitive to the weather and a few interpersonal irritants, today I received news of a relative in the ICU.
I spent the past few hours trying to resist it, or snap out of it. After all, I have so much to be grateful for and a lot of beautiful things on the horizon. But as I am writing this post it is quite apparent to me that I need to shift its direction. I was planning on writing an update on the recent changes in my life, upcoming adventures and the new beginnings that the spring season promises. But I think I have something more important to say. And truly, it's these gray rainy days that ultimately bring new life.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I am currently pursuing my 500-hour yoga teacher certification with Theresa Murphy. As part of our curriculum this past weekend, we partnered up for some guided psycho-spiritual work. We sat face-to-face with our partner as we took turns asking repeatedly to the other: "What are you not allowed to feel?" The feelings I deny myself were evident, not by what was coming up, but by how much I was pushing down. The amount of resistance that emerged within me felt heated, intense and larger than I would have ever imagined.
So on this gloomy day where I am feeling shit I'd rather not, I've decided I'm just going to name it:
In addition to feeling in a funk over gray skies and hurting loved ones, I feel disappointed, hurt and let down for what seems like the millionth time by an old/rekindled seemingly star-crossed lover that I just can't seem to walk away from. Someone who, despite my acknowledgment of this sentiment, I will most likely let in again. Because, to my detriment, I feel love for this person. And I feel itfully, despite all the self-protective strategies I impose on every other relationship I have my life.
And that, I am realizing as I write this, is a miracle. That there is one person out there in the world that can completely wreck me. With little to no resistance. Someone who can make me feel shit. Even make me feel like shit. But also wonderful, beautiful and fearless. Someone who makes me fall, melt and lose my composure every single time. No matter how much armor I put on. And no matter how many times I swear, never again, there is someone out there who can make me forgive over and over and over again with childlike faith in a different ending.
So maybe, despite all the spirit-winks, signposts and psychic readings along the way, he's not meant to be my lover. At least not with the permanence we humans like to think we can impose on relationships. Perhaps, instead, he is my teacher. After all, he has been teaching me to lean into the full-spectrum of my human potential since the very beginning. Perhaps, he just flows back into my life when I need reminders, when my pursuit of equanimity eludes me, leaving me feeling flat, dull and unreachable. He comes back around to lift my heart and simultaneously drop it, returning me to an honest state of feeling fully alive.
And for those of you who are also needing a reminder:
"When we cease to desire, we cease to evolve. It is an ache that we will never escape, nor would we want to if we want to be fully alive. When we numb out our natural longings, it affects all of our senses. So even if it is painful or seems like it's taking too long for what we want to arrive, it's better to stay with the ache than abandon the desire." -- Danielle LaPorte
Tonight, in the midst of feeling low, I am also feeling grateful. For Theresa Murphy, and the rest of my teachers, who help me encounter the ache and keep on evolving.
To your light,